I'm in a glass case of emotion!?

Here is a mildly amusing gif to sum up exactly how I feel:

The internet probably isn't a place where I should be posting this but I have quite a lot of things that I need to get off of my chest, and I am not just talking about the clunky white heart monitor currently stuck to it. I have so many things that I am really unhappy about, and my poor attempt at humour a second ago is definitely one of them.

I've been having a really hard time coping and staying positive for the past six weeks. I have had regular hospital consultations, tests and therapy sessions sporadically throughout on top of starting university, decorating my bedroom as well as other things that life likes to throw at you without giving you a heads up first. It has been really hectic and I've been exposed to a load of stressors which has led to me having what I would call a breakdown followed by a little tizzy over the internet which could be followed by my cardiologist having a heart attack.

[caption id="attachment_162" align="aligncenter" width="300" class=" "] Much swag..[/caption]



Life itself is pretty hard whether you have a chronic illness or not, everyone is fighting their own secret battle every day. It was important for me to hold onto this way of thinking as it has helped me get through some of the most difficult times that I have had to experience, it has helped me to be a stronger person and it has helped me to become more patient and understanding towards others. Not to say that I wasn't before, but since becoming chronically sick (or chronically awesome for those of you that despise the term) it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I am grateful for the littlest of things, it has made me evaluate what is important to me and I believe it has helped me discover my 'purpose' in life.

But it has also taken a lot from me, my identity, my quality of life, an education and a career, relationships with friends and family, and an income to mention just a few. Every area or aspect of my life but my relationship with my partner has been severely affected by my illness and I am left to try and pick up all of the pieces of a rather broken apart life (if you're reading this, I love you more than words could ever describe. Without you I don't believe I would have had the strength to get this far and I can't begin to thank you enough for everything that you have done for me, I am so grateful). So it's not easy, it's really bloody hard and there are moments I have on a daily basis where I feel out of my depth and unable to cope.

This is one of those times, I am feeling really frustrated with how I am not progressing medically and I feel I can't get better until the doctors find out exactly what is wrong with me so they can begin to treat me. It is soon to be approaching the two year mark that I started undergoing various tests, I have a diagnosis for hypermobility syndrome but they are still looking at other conditions related to my condition to explain my wide range of symptoms. I have had to put my life on hold for such a long time to then not receive any answers for what is happening to my body internally which has been very hard hitting, all I have ever wanted to do since becoming ill is to take control of my life and get better by managing my condition, make something of myself and to help those who are in need of support.

Today I came to the decision that I need to stop waiting around for doctors to figure me out, it could be months or even years before they understand how my body attempts to function. I have spent so much time waiting under the advice of doctors, family and friends but I need to put my foot down. Waiting around for someone else to get something done has made me nothing but miserable and quite frankly unstable. I can put my hand on my heart (monitor) and say that I have almost lost my mind to this condition and the journey it has taken to get as far as I have, and I will not stand for it anymore.

I want to want to be alive, not to just try and make it through each day. I want to be happy, to be able to complete something that I wouldn't have been able to because of the agonising pain the activity itself would have caused. My GP says that I am asking for miracles, I am simply asking for pain relief so I can give myself a better quality of life that will in turn make me happier. I need to make positive changes in my life because I do not deserve to feel the way that I do, I just need to take some time to figure out how I am going to make a start.

On another note, if anyone reading this can think of the best most effortless halloween costume to wear out in public, or anyone who has some mad skills with balloon sculpting give me a shout on here / facebook / twitter / or via telepathic communication. That would be great thanks, one less thing I will have to worry about!

[caption id="attachment_163" align="aligncenter" width="300" class=" "] By far, the best thing I have seen all day.[/caption]